Tuesday, 14 August 2007
This one goes out to all speakers of Christianese - Delay is Not Denial!!!
And so it begins again. Someone i'm not interested in is interested in me - AGAIN! People (number 1 on the list: my mother) say i'm picky. I say i just know what i want. I'm particular. I have discerning taste, therefore it's hard to accept second best. I'd rather keep striving, that's what makes me particular. I know that sounds as if i'm looking for perfection. I truly am not. Perfection does not exist. I'm mature enought to understand that. But i still know what i want, and i'm afraid this guy isn't it.
I'm one of life's 'nice' people. How i hate that word! It's a four letter word to me. One that lazy people use in order to neatly lump people into those little boxes they have pre-prepared in their little minds. Yes, i have values that won't allow me to treat my fellow humans with anything less than respect and kindness (until they prove themselves unworthy. Then, boy do i turn!). But please, do not stick labels on me. I refuse to be labeled. I also digress. Where was i?
Ok, i'll use the four lettered 'n' word for the purposes of this post. Being one of life's 'nice' people, people tend to be drawn to me. It's just a fact of life. And men who are in the place of wanting to settle down tend to be drawn to me also because they feel i'll make them a goody, goody two-shoes little wife. 'What's the problem with that', i hear you say. It pisses me off, big time! A lot of people don't understand it. I just thank God for the level of self-awarenesss he's blessed me with. Otherwise, i could have been married at least 4 times over by now i.e. 4 good men have been ready to marry me and all i ever had to do was say 'yes', but i said 'no'.
Friends never pass up opportunities to remind me of this. After one of said men's wives gave birth to a gorgeous set of twins, one friend even 'joked' that those would have been my twins, and everything within me rejected that. It was almost like a physical thing. Jeremiah 1:5 says:
" Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Thank you friend. I know you were only joking, or half-serious, but my children haven't been formed yet, however, God knows them...... Delay is not denial (sorry, i had to get the title in somehow, even tho' i'm the most anti-christianese person i know!)
Yeah, so there's this dude on the scene. And props to him, he's got game. He's played it really subtle - you know, lots of group hangs, very non-threatening. I guess, i'm just too sharp for my own good. But now he's looking to take things to the next level i.e. one on one invites. Still very subtle-like. But i'm on to him.
It's at this point that people begin to say 'give him a chance, give him a chance'. Heck, i think that to myself sometimes, but back to the issue of being particular. I do know what i want. Different people want and need different things out of a relationship. Me, i want a deep connection. For some it might be quiet stability, or steady comfort, or flexible independence or connection and partnership. Some women just want a nice home and a husband and children to look after and nourish. This is equally as valid as anything else. But me, i'm not willing to compromise on my need for a deep connection, however, can this connection be 'created'? To me, that's like trying to beat a square peg into a round hole. I believe that there has to be even the smallest spark of connectedness in order to begin to build on it and fan it into a flame. If there's nothing there to begin with, why deceive yourself by trying, or giving 'chances'.
Here's an interesting post by Ugo Daniels on Soul mates
Back to the 'christianese' in the title. All around me, i see relationships breaking up. Even good christian folk are getting divorced, some of them friends of mine. This gives me pause. I mean, i was there during the courtship period. The men were epitomes of sincerity, love, honour and respect for their intendeds. I was happy for my friends. They were finally getting what they deserved. Unfortunately, after the lavish ceremonies, when all the guests went home, true colours began to emerge. Of course it takes two to Tango, and both parties must assume some responsibility, in these cases, the men turned, and then some! I don't need to go into detail, but that's another thing that bugs me. I mean, short of strapping men down to lie detector machines as part of the pre-marital counselling process, how do you know when a person is being real?
I'm a sucker for romance, and i want to be wooed. Heck, i deserve to be wooed!!! But what is to say that my Prince Charming doesnt turn into a troll the moment he slips that ring on my finger. When i voice these sentiments, people say 'have faith', 'trust God', 'think/confess positive' etc, etc, you fill in the gaps with all those other 'christianese' type phrases. I don't do that any more. Why? Because it doesnt address the problem.
My feelings are valid. Every single one of them, good or bad. So rather than sweep them under the rug of positive confessions, i hold them up before God and we examine them together. I think we sometimes think that God's feelings will be hurt if we dare question him. But what kind of relationship precludes open and honest dialogue? There are even times when i (shock, horror) question the existence of God! Sometimes, it's hard not to. However, i'm blessed in that i've been through enough with him, so many situations and circumstances where he has come through for me, where i've experienced his hand and his intervention. So all i need to do is remind myself of these. There is no logical explanation for God and i struggle with this because i am a logical person. But i have faith and i believe and that has nothing to do with logic.
Ok, i better try and bring these ramblings to a conclusion. Is there a possibility that if i keep holding out for my 'deep connection', i might get left on the proverbial shelf? Isn't the alternative to that lowering my standards? Why does it sound really hollow and unbelievable even to my own ears when i say things like 'there are other things i'd like to focus on right now e.g. my career, hobbies and interests, travel, self-development, rather than obsessing about my marital status?