Tuesday, 21 August 2007

Psst, they're on to me..........


6.00pm and the paranoia is rising. I can taste the bile in my mouth. My mouth is dry. I'm laughing hysterically and can't seem to stop myself. I'm having hallucinations. Hold on a minute...I think it's a hallucination. If it's not, then my imaginary friend named Shaneequa has just rolled up a joint, lit it, and is now offering me a drag while bouncing a baby gorilla on her knee. Did i mention the snow white Unicorn galloping across my living room?

They're on to me. No, SHE!!! She is on to me. What should i do? WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, calm down, calm down. CALM DOWN! *slaps self upside the head a couple of times*. Ok, i'm calm, i'm calm, and here's what happened...

I had the day off work yesterday, and my sister came round to visit with my nieces and nephew. Noticing my laptop cranked up and running, she decides to check her email. It appears she has an email account with every web-based email provider, therefore, inevitably, she clicks on the iGoogle page, which just so happens to be logged on to my account *strangled sob*.

Big sis (with one eyebrow raised inquisitively) - "Undacovasista?"
Me (nonchalantly) - Yeah.

She says no more. But i know her. She is razor-sharp. It runs in the family, you see *flicks imaginary speck of dust off each shoulder in turn*. FOCUS!! Ok, as i was saying, she is sharp. I have on a few occasions forwarded Blogsville posts that have tickled me to her. I have no way to tell if she has since discovered Blogsville for herself, but if she has, then it's only a matter of time before she discovers my blog. Aaaaaaaaargh!!!

Casting my mind back, there is nothing on here that's incendiary, egregious or unconscionable in anyway, but this assumed identity thing is half the fun of blogging, isn't it?

So, i have contacted the authorities and i have been offered protection if i need it. Going on the Witness Protection Programme is a big step. I'll have to give up everything i hold dear, and say goodbye to my identity as Undacovasista. Am i ready to do that? I don't know. But if i do have to go away suddenly, i'll make sure i leave coded messages at strategic locations around Blogsville, so you all will know that i'm still alive *sobs*. Adieu, my virtual friends. Adieu. I'll never forget you or the the times we've shared....

44 comments:

30+ said...

Undacova lol at shaneequa and joint business o, you get malaria or why hallucinating.

You can just change your profile name now no need to run away. Don't run anywhere cos if you do I can smoke you out, 'you see I work with the FBI'

Kafo said...

ooooh
that will not be good

my problem is that my sisters introduced mii to blogspot and now everything i write i have to hold back a lil' so that it doesn't become a discussion for our family phone conference

but then again
some days i'm like
I GET OUT like Lauryn forget it all the BS and masquerades let them know mii with the anger and happiness and sprunginess


good luck
tho

bllk wolf said...

eeyyyaaaa!!!
i see uv blown ur cover
he!he!!he!!!!
so i get to have the LAST LAUGH...
>>>rolls on the floor laughing<<<
witness protection abi.....
wouldn't help u..
come on ur disappointing me...
wheres that spirit of adventure..
taking on the world and slipping past "security",
even when ur identity has been compromised,....
u don SLACK o!!!
(nods head)
pity...
alternatively we cud give ur sis the "ZAP treatment" (remember Men In Black)???
stay put o!!!
cuz ur joining me for coffee..

Lucy said...

First time at your blog, and I must say that I'm thoroughly confused. But I will have to check back for coded messages and all!

good luck, and Godspeed!

Nyemoni said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog girl... no worries... your sis no go kill you! I should go through though just to make sure you haven't been a nawghty girl.... Lol! have a nice day!

Note to sister Undercova: Why don't you start your blog? It's fun! You should try it, trust me ;-)

UndaCovaSista said...

@ 30+ : You may work for the FBI, but i am and will always remain the original undercover agent, aiight! (Lol)

@kafo: Thanks for that. You truly understand my predicament. We shall see....

@Bllk wolf: Na wa o! you are one hard dude (but with a name such as wolf, what else was i expecting (lol)). Here i was, fishing for tea and sympathy and this is what i get (well, i suppose you did offer coffee sha, so...)

@Lucy: Thanks for stopping by, and pls dont be confused. It shall all become clear once the paranoia wears off..

@Nyemoni: Me? Naughty? (lol). thanks for your kind words. I'm encouraged...

bighead said...

You can't be anonymous forever; U move once and you'll keep moving. I guess one or two people knowing your true identity won't hurt... i mean every undercover agent needs a handler in the "agency"

NikkiSab said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bllk wolf said...

wats a mans best friend?
A DOG
wats a womans best friend?
******FIGURE THAT OUT...
sympathy abi...
says with yoruba accent...
undacova shei u no injure?
e pe le ooo!!!
do ooo!!
how body na??
ooh its a pity..
(gives that pity look)
all will be well sha...
i know a pastor
shei...
lol!!!
anyways my COFFEE no be FREE
lol!

Atutupoyoyo said...

Ok here's the plan. At 1900 hours go to Liverpool Street Station. On the bench outside the McDonalds you will find an agent there. He's dressed as a tramp but under his coat there is a USB key containing details of your next identity. The password is "You dirty swine". His response will be "What the fuck are you on?" This will confirm that he is working for us and not for O.Y.I.N.B.O. Good luck Undacova and make sure you are not followed.

As always should you be caught or slapped in the process, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your existence. This comment will self-delete in approximately 5 years.

Manda said...

lol 2 atutupoyoyo! Babe, u just made me wonder wat my elder sis will do if she ever finds me on blogville, it will neva be same again! but u can still take 30+'s advice and change ur profile name. Wat's up wit the hullicination?lol

UndaCovaSista said...

@ Bighead - as Jason Bourne said to Julia Stiles character in the Bourne Ultimatum 'being on the run gets easier'. Thanks for stopping by. Sorry it had to be under these circumstances...

@ Bllk wolf - shouldn't you be out howling at the moon? Lol

@ Manda- the hallucinations are getting worse o! You guys do not even want to hear what i'm seeing right now. Again, apologies for us having to meet under these embarassing circumstances (lol)

UndaCovaSista said...

@ Atutupoyoyo - you, you deserve a box of your own o!

Let me begin by asking you a few questions. When everyone at the agency said you were finished, who stood by you? I DID! When they relegated you to a paper pushing desk job and you had to watch on helplessly as Jack Bauer single handedly saved the world (6 times, no less), who stood by you? I DID!!! Now i'm in a jam and what new identity do you supply for me, enh?

Sikira, omo alata!!!!!

I have chopped plenty bottle! You have sentenced me to a life of roaming the mean streets of PECKHAM, trying to blend in with the rest of the pepper sellers. How could you?
Well sha, just pray you never run into me on a dark night down a dark alley o! Because i will take my hottest ata rodo and rub in your eye. You have been warned!!!!!!

30+ said...

Okayee Agent Sidney (aka undacova) and Agent Bourne (aka Atutupuyoyo) your cover is blown.
Trinity has been unto you for a while now and I have finally break your codes, y'all just writing backwards.
Bloggers read their words backward and you will see what I see.

LMAO, rolling on the floor

P.S: If anyone of you actually tried to read their words backward it just confirms that Blogville has been attacked by an unknown strain of RED MALARIA (LOL)

bllk wolf said...

+++++++++
RED ALERT
+++++++++

enters
PORTER J GOSS
DESIGNATION:- D.C.I
(Director Central Intelligience)

(picks up the RED PHONE...dials Mr. President)

Porter: "hello Mr. President"

Mr President: "hello Porter"

Porter: "Mr President its come to our knowledge that the identity of one of our agents has been compromised and..."

Mr President: (cuts in) "i saw that in the briefing u sent me this morning......"

(pause.....)

Mr President: "so whats the next line of action ?"

Porter: "Agent Bourne(a.k.a Atutupoyoyo) has already been given the GREEN lights to execute operation "DIRTY SWINE" Sir."

Mr President: "who's in charge of ground operations?"

Porter: "Agent Trinity (a.k.a 30+) is, Mr President."

Mr President: "and who's directly in charge of operations?"

Porter: "one of the Agency's finest Sir."

Mr President: "who would that be?"

Porter: "Agent HOOwwwl(a.k.a BLLKWolf)"

Mr President: (nods head in agreement)"i do agree with you"
(heaves a sigh of relief)

Mr President: "i want a progress report as events proceed Mr Porter"

Porter: "will do Mr President"

>>>>>>0100 zulu <<<<<<<
(phone rings)

Porter: "hello Mr President"

Mr President: "hello Porter"

Porter: "Operation "DIRTY SWINE" was a success, Sir'

Mr President: "job well done Mr Porter and Agent Sidney(a.k.a Undacover)?"

Porter: "she's been taken in by BllkWolf for DE-BRIEFING"

Mr President: "De-briefing?"

Porter: "yes Mr President, shes in for a surprise"

Mr President: "once again ,a job well done Mr Porter and let BllkWolf know he's got the NATION behind him"

Porter: "thank you Mr President!!"

UndaCovaSista said...

+++++++++
VERY RED ALERT
+++++++++
enters
PORTER J GOSS
DESIGNATION:- D.C.I
(Director Central Intelligience)

(picks up the RED PHONE...dials Mr. President)

Porter: "hello Mr. President"

Mr President: "hello Porter"

Porter: "Mr President, I’m sorry to have to bring you this bad news, but intel just in confirms that UndaCovaSista has escaped custody, and….

Mr President: (chokes violently on Pretzel) “What? What?? Now look what you gone and made me did, son-beach."

Porter: “I’m sorry, sir”

Mr President: "You better be, soldier"

Porter: "Ehm, Sir, I’m the Director of Central Intelligence, not a …."

Mr President (cuts in): "shut yo’ mouth, boy!"

Porter: "yes sir."

Mr President: "Now tell me, how did this mess occur?"

Porter: "It was during the de-briefing, sir. Agent Hoowwwl aka Bllk Wolf began the procedure as arranged, and to all accounts, Agent Undacova suddenly went ballistic, taking out Bllk Wolf and the 2 other agents in the room. She retrieved the keys to the room, and before we could lock down the premises, she managed to slip through the net. Sir".

Mr President (furiously): "Isn’t Bllk Wolf supposed to be one of our top agents?”

Porter: "He is, Sir. I don’t know how she did it. We found Bllk wolf and his men tied up, with their boxer shorts around their heads. I’m baffled. The only explanation is that O.Y.I.N.B.O got to her before our men did, and implanted a microchip beneath her skin by which they are now controlling her"

Mr President: FIND HER, SON-BEACH! I want an update in 1 hour! (slams down phone)

Miss Opeke said...

Identity of Under Cover Sister was revealed at the last press meeting…
Solution to this discovery…Change of name… to Uncovered Sister

What can we do…even Spiderman, Superman… were not able to keep their identity secret for long…but one would hope you can until you disclose it …I just hope I can hold mine down long enough until the time I intend to reveal my identity which will be sometime next year before summer…For now, I have to do everything in my power to keep myself from being discovered.
[Lessons I learnt here: I have to get rid/lock up all documents that can give away my identity…save my blog with bizarre name [that’s also implicating because people become curious…Anyways, off I go…]

I am so with you on this…”… there is nothing on here that's incendiary, egregious or unconscionable in anyway, but this assumed identity thing is half the fun of blogging…”

Snuffleupagus said...

This is so funny! Can't you just change your name? Like make it sister instead of sista and won't that me enough?

Vickii said...

Lol ... hun, it's only a matter of time till someone discovers your identity. I'm not anonymous but I know a lot of people who are and have all been rumbled at some point or the other ... luckily it's only your sister and not a mortal enemy (true story ... not mine). lol

But she might be too busy running after her kids to pursue the whole blogville thing ... either way, don't run away please? Lol

UndaCovaSista said...

@ miss opeke, snuffleupagus and vickii: yes o! i hear you well and i agree with everything you've said. Thank you very much. Really, thanks.
But come, make i send una message. Please go down town to the Central Intelligence HQ and ask for Agent Bourne (aka Atutupoyoyo). Tell him this Sikira, omo alata identity will not fly o. I'm not feelin' it at all, at all. Besides, the other day, i nearly got beat up in Peckham! Please give him all your suggestions for new identities and tell him to wait for the next dark night when there is no moon (no.1, Agent Bllk Wolf will be in his cave, no.2.. well, never mind about no.2 for now). Anyway, tell him to meet me on a dark night, down a dark alley in Peckham with my new passport and all. Thank you soo much.

Jaja said...

I ve worried about being discovered too, by my friends.... I dont anymore.. even as I write scandalous stuff about my self , and have a pencil sketch of my image on profile..

anways nice blog

Ekoakete said...

Hehehe I wonder when my cover's going to ge blown too. If your sister is as razor sharp as you mention, you haven't heard the last of this, so you might yet have to change your profile. Good luck!

Hopeful B! said...

hehehheeheee, u hilarious chic!! wuld definately hook up on your page daily...

UndaCovaSista said...

@ Jaja - you are truly a braver man than i (except i'm not a man...or am i?)Hmmm.....

@Ekoakete - the moral of this story is (as miss opeke has said) log out, log out, log out. Do not leave anything to chance!!!!

@Hopeful B - Aah, thanks... but do keep your ears close to the ground at all times, 'cos i still might have to disappear suddenly

Thanks for stopping by y'all...

Anonymous said...

I almost got found out as well recently. I was on Soul's blog at the time and I had left a pot which came up with my name. I cleared the fucking cache and also all the history, cookies etc.

I like myself as I am abeg. I don't have the energy to delete my blog.

Good luck to you, let me know what you want to do.

Ide

Atutupoyoyo said...

Very good. This sets things up perfectly for the challenge you set in last weeks's post.

I would arrange for you to be kidnapped as you were coming back from work and bundled into a tinted, unmarked vehicle. You would then be bound and gagged as your kidnappers (who would be speaking Arabic) take you on a 30 minute drive to a darkened warehouse in Docklands. They will then strap you to a lie detector test and threaten to end your life unless you reveal the whearabouts of Akmir Shabazz.

After heavy interrogation (and possibly some electro shock) they would throw you into a dark room. After about twenty minutes or so you would then hear the sound of machine-gun fire in the distance with some explosions thrown in for good measure. The door to your cell would be flung open and there would be me, slightly battered and bruised, to rescue you. As we escaped in a helicopter I would deliver the line: "Baby, I know this is probably a bad time, but will you marry me?"

30+ said...

Atutu you are so infected with Hypermalariousdengue fever (lol). Just make sure you take sick bucket along (wink)

uknaija said...

I'm laughing my head off...great blog

UndaCovaSista said...

@Ide - i know what you mean. i cant see myself starting over either. Who would have thought this blogging thing could be such dangerous business! Thanks for stopping by...

@ Atutupoyoyo - Gehn Gehn....that's quite impressive actually. Well done. However, why did you let them subject me to heavy interrogation AND electric shock. Na wa o..

@ 30+ - don't forget the toe rags too (lol)

@ Uknaija - i have nothing to do with all these people. They are craaazzy (lol). thanks for stopping...

bllk wolf said...

BLLKWOLF : (dials Agency headquarters)

VOICE : "enter designation and password"

BLLKWOLF :"SPECIAL AGENT"...(keys in password)...*********

VOICE :"password accepted"
request please

BLLKWOLF :"give me a secured line to the @#!!!!***"

(phone rings)

PORTER :"hello Bllkwolf"

BLLKWOLF :"hello Mr Porter, progress report Sir on Operation "Dirty Swine Counter Opts".....

PORTER :(cuts in)...."Mr President is on line 2 and he'ld like to join in this conversation"

(conference initiated)

BLLKWOLF :"Goodday Mr President"

Mr PRESIDENT :"hello Bllkwolf...proceed!"

BLLKWOLF :"Intel recieved revealed a mole in the agency.Agent Trinity(30+) was said to be the mole.it went further to state that she was approached by O.Y.I.N.B.O. to recruit Agent Sidney(aka Undacova) and Agent Bourne(aka Atutupoyoyo) as double agents. Operation "Dirty Swine Counter Opts" was then in motion side by side with Operation "Dirty Swine".
Agent Trinity(30+) carefully masterminded the placement of a chip beneath Agent Sidney's(Undacova) skin, which made her halucinate and blow her cover.......

Mr PRESIDENT :(cuts in)"could that be what triggered her will to escape during de-briefing?"

BLLKWOLF :"yes Mr President...thereater Counter ops was set in full swing..."

(pause)

PORTER :"Mr President very few persons were in the know about the Counter Ops, details are in the daily security report already forwarded to you"

Mr PRESIDENT :"I'm aware Mr Porter....proceed Bllkwolf"

BLLKWOLD :"our operatives stationed at @#@@^@@(^^ near the dockyards planted a chip underneath Agent Bourne's skin
which would prevent him being compromised.thereafter he proceeded as stated in his brief.

Mr PRESIDENT :(nods head)

PORTER :"something still baffles me Bllkwolf, was the proposal to Agent Sidney (Undacova) also in the brief given to Agent Bourne (Atutupoyoyo)?"

Mr PRESIDENT :"that crossed my mind too, was it Bllkwolf?"

BLLKWOLF :"that wasn't in his brief Sir, but it didnt come as a surprise to us"

Mr PRESIDENT :"so what becomes of them in the Agency?"

PORTER :"off the records Sir, i'ld suggest we send them of on a TRIP to unwind and their desk would be waiting for them when they get back"

BLLKWOLF :"i 'concur' Sir"

Mr PRESIDENT :"and Agent Trinity(30+)?"

BLLKWOLF :"the hookup with the FB admirer should be consolidated"

Mr PRESIDENT :"what FB has joined together let Bloggville not put assunder!!!"

PORTER :"you crack me up Mr President"

Mr PRESIDENT :"a job well done fellas, i'ld like both of you to join me for breakfast at the Whyte House"

BLLKWOLF..PORTER :"we'll be there Mr President"

Mr PRESIDENT :"off the record fellas, a man like u Bllkwolf deserves not just the Service Cross but also the hand of my daughter in marriage.what u think Porter?"

PORTER :(nods head in approval)"i would second that Mr President"

UndaCovaSista said...

Oh My God!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

I've had so much fun with this, but all good things must come to and end. So, i think you'll all agree that this is a good place to roll credits and say:

THE END

Cast in order of appearance:

Undacovasista
as Agent Sydney and Sikira

30+
as Agent Trinity

Bllk Wolf
as Agent Howl

and

Atutupoyoyo
as Agent Jason Bourne

Thanks all, for your hilarious and quite frankly, sometimes worryingly insane contributions.

PS - I've decided to stay put for the time being. Who knows, i might even begin a separate blog to chronicle the adventures of Sikira and her Central Intelligence counterparts...

bllk wolf said...

PROTEST.....
why shud the ladies get the STARRING ROLE?
(nods head)
me i no be SUPPORTING ACTOR.....
lai ...lai.....
ME I STAR , not SUPPORT...
in short LEAD ACTOR/ACTRESS
all of the above....

UndaCovaSista said...

@blk wolk - sorry o, but (1) I am the star of the show!!! (2) 30+ is ma gurrrl...
I even put you before ATT who has proposed marriage to me. What else do you want? Pls do not kill me for my mother o....

30+ said...

Comrades: It's been a pleasure working with you, you will agree that the agency (a.k.a Blogville) rocks.

Till our next assignment this is Agent Trinity saying:
"It's a dangerous world out there so don't go around without your two edged swords(wink)"

Don't be hating Black wolf, me and undacova we tight like that (sticks tongue out). Abeg this FBI watcha me call it is even more interesting than Alias (lol)

bllk wolf said...

gang-up!!!
i DEMAND A FAIR TRIAL...
its a CONSPIRACY...
oor maybe ild just kidnap u..
or "elope" with ur SIDEKICK (30+)
wat u say 30+...(winks)

UndaCovaSista said...

30+ and Bllk Wolf, sitting in a tree. K.I.S.S.I.N.G. Tehehehe..

bllk wolf said...

XTRA XTRA READ ALL ABT IT!!!
i tot ur eyes were closed
so u dey peep abi???
PAPARAZZZI!!!!!
anyhow sha i dey exhausted ..
NEWTON did not look up the tree to make the apple fall , the apple fell 1st before he luku up o!!!
and then came GRAVITY..
but u ...u dey PEEP....
BEWARE ........ZEUS is in the BUILDING....!!
(anyhow sha i just no no wetin to yarn, i decide to just talk wetin enter my mouth 1st)
i try abi i no try ?
I TRY
he!he!!he!!!

Fatoumatta said...

eya...i just came here for the frist time nd i see u leaving,second person i come to read her blog nd she's leaving,frist pink stain now u,well atleast u had a reason....anways i hope u leave ur work so i cld come back nd read them....

@blk wolf....u,dint i tell u to stay away from Alias and those CSI series u get so stuck too??hummm i think i av to put parental lock on the dstv....@undacovasista,hope he hasnt been troubling u??oya lets go,leave her to rest @blk wolf *pulling him by the collar....nd out!

bllk wolf said...

(puts ace down)
(hands behind back)
(keeps kicking stones on the floor)
(waves)
BY BYE Aunty Undacova

cinnamonqueen said...

Hilarious hallucination! All this anonimity on Blogspot is making me all the more curious to find out the faces behind the words. Currently on a mission to uncover a friend who just owned up to having an anonymous blog...

onydchic said...

Is it okay ifi think ur a LITTLE BIT weird? :)

UndaCovaSista said...

@ cinnamonQueen - See, that's exactly what i mean. When you discover your friend's blog (as you probably will) blogging will never be the same for her. Not fair...:0(. Thanks for stopping by. Love your blog

@onydchic - oi lady *wags finger* what are you trying to imply? Yeah, ok, maybe just a little bit....(Lol)

Ugo Daniels said...

So whats da 411?

UndaCovaSista said...

@ Ugo - i'll continue to blog under this name for now, i think...