Saturday, 30 August 2008

Of Trees and Forests

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

The Lives of Others (or...I am not my hoodie)

I began this post a couple of months ago but it didn't feel quite ready at the time. It does now.

I have a very short commute in to work now. Now that spring’s here (in a way), I’ve started walking in again. It usually takes me about 30-40mins, but this is probably because I walk freakishly fast for a woman (I’ve been told). Continuing the theme of Xena Warrior Princess you forced me to introduce in to my last post (y’all knows y’all selves) you should see me walking with other people – male and female. They are practically always panting for breath as I power on without breaking a sweat! Things to do, places to be, you know?

I was running slightly late this morning so I hopped on the bus as I sometimes do. I settled in to my seat on the top deck and didn’t feel like reading. There’s no point really as, based on past experience, just as I am getting settled into that ‘zone’, all too quickly the ride is over and I have to get off. Instead, I settled down for some guilt free, pleasant spacing out. The top deck of the bus was virtually empty, but at the next stop, a few more passengers got on. A young boy, about 17-18 if I was to hazard a guess, climbs up the stairs and sits about 2 rows in front of me. As he settles down and the bus moves off again, my nostrils are suddenly assaulted by the smell of his ‘cologne’. It’s cheap. And as lads that age are wont to do, he has been rather heavy handed with it. So much so that I can now taste the fumes at the back of my throat. I make a mental note of this, resisting the urge to gag. His phone rings.

‘Hi, Mum’, he says in his white-boy-trying-to-speak-black accent (as made popular by Ali G). ‘I’m on the bus now and I forgot the earrings, mum. Sorry’.
His mum speaks on the other end.
Boy – I was on the phone to the Probation and I forgot to take them
Mum speaks
Boy – Are you sure? Is that ok? I’m sorry.

He says sorry a few more times, and then hangs up and I’m strangely touched by the sweetness of the exchange even though I’ve only heard one side. A number of things strike me:

1. He’s wearing a hoodie.
2. He has some bling in one ear.
3. He’s clearly been in trouble (hence the telephone conversation with the ‘Probation’ alluded to)
4. He possibly has identity issues as demonstrated by the Ali G-esque accent and the fact that he ends a second phone conversation with the word ‘Safe’.
5. He loves his mother.

Suddenly, i'm curious to know his 'story'. Who is he? What has he done? What's his Mum like? Where is he off to? And a myriad of other questions.

I ponder further and it strikes me how disconnected we've all become from each other...Were we actually ever connected to each other? Who is 'we'?

I have a 'big heart' (that's just a stone cold fact, nothing else), and therefore have a strong and compelling need to connect with others on a level beyond the superficial. In my late teens/early twenties, i came to learn the hard way, that 'big-heartedness' is seen as a sign of weakness and it's human nature to attempt to exploit perceived weakness. And so i swung to the other end of the spectrum, and became 'well 'ard' as they say here in the UK. But i could never really deny who i am.

Repeat a pattern of behaviour long enough and it soon becomes a habit. Habits are notoriously difficult to break. These days, i'm learning to not be so hard. If i'm to be honest, it wasn't really a case of becoming hard, as it was a case of choosing to smother feelings of empathy or compassion by refusing to act on them. I realise now that my temperament/personality/character is crucial to fulfilling my purpose here on earth (and i do believe we are all born with a God-ordained purpose), and so i've learnt to love myself and free myself from the chains that come with comparing myself to others or wanting to be like others in anyway. I'm exactly who and what i need to be. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have this bad habit of staring at people. I do stare at people. Not because i have no manners, but because i have this need to look beneath the surface. Always. Don't get me wrong, i don't go around staring at random people. There is a method to my 'staring', i suppose. Being very intuitive and able to pick up on subtle nuances and signs that people give off, when i pick on on something, i need to explore it further and in the process of turning my focus inwards, i may forget that i'm actually still looking at the person as well as looking into them, in a manner of speaking. Yes, i do realise i'm probably painting myself out as some kind of weirdo, but anyway...

Fast forward to the present day though, i often ask myself what i'm meant to do when out of the blue i experience such rushes of empathy towards a totally random youth in a hoodie on the top deck of the Number 30 bus? And the answer just came to me right now - as much as i would love to go up to them, place a hand on their shoulders, look them deeply in the eyes and say something like ' i feel your pain' or 'would you like to talk about it' or something else along those lines...all i can do is pray.

And so tonight, Lord i pray for the youth on the bus, in a hoodie, with a earring, wearing cheap cologne. Be with him and his Mum. Help him get his life back on the straight and narrow. Watch over him and keep him . In Jesus' name. Amen

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Update (...of sorts)

No you didn't type in the URL for Afrobabe's blog and land here by mistake (haha!)

I've got to apologise for the haphazardness of my blogging. I have been extremely busy (i never used to understood the concept of being too busy to blog, but now i do!), and set to become even busier as i begin the course i alluded to in the post, The Impostor Syndrome. I had a look at the course syllabus the other day, and i must confess, i was practically salivating and wiping away copious amounts of drool. I sooooooooooooooooooooo cannot wait to start next month!

Also, the beast that is my laptop has resumed its downwards spiral towards the scrapheap! I, therefore, can only blog surreptiously from work these days. Buying a new one is not even an option right now, what with tuition fees to pay, and recent acquisition of my Nikon D40 Digital SLR camera ( this point, you need to picture me rubbbing my hands together with Smeagol/Gollum-like maniacal glee and crooning the words 'Myyyy PRECIOUSSSS'), and a Nintendo Wii Fit (which i will be returning actually, cos i didn't realise i needed to get a console too!). And just in case you were wondering, no, i am not 'blonde'. Think about it...If i was, i would not heretofore (heyyyy. big word!) have been salivating at the prospect of being schooled in the theories of such luminaries as Freud, Jung, Klein, Rogers et al. I rest my case!

Add to the above the fact that there is just so, so much going on in my head at the moment. My head actually feels full. I don't know if anyone understands that. One of the foremost emotions i'm experiencing is impatience. Patience has definitely never been one of my strong suits. It's doubly hard now, because things i'd previously never even dared to dream about are now within my grasp. I just want it all, like, yesterday! I will reign myself in, and i will slow down. It just won't be easy. However,

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Peace, y'all...

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Should I Stay or Should I Go... lunch?
Lunch ko, brunch ni!

Hi y'all

Since you all enjoyed the first post so much (you know yourselves), i thought i'd give you the next instalment.

August 13th 12:36

Covenant greeting in Jesus

pls can we lunch together

after service on sunday

let me know if you

accept Jesus bless you
I guess i really shouldn't be publishing the poor guys texts on the internet like this for your amusement. However, you have to wonder at the kind of thought process that goes into sending them. I mean, over a period of over four years, i have consistently turned down his 'advances' and he still comes back with an invitation to lunch?!
May i also add that he subjected a friend of mine, whom he also met at the same time (see my response to comments in previous post) to this same treatment. As in, he started on me and i turned him down quite forcibly before it finally got through to his brain (or so i thought). He then started on my friend on and off over the years. She was actually the first to be subjected to the whole 'proposal by text' thingy. She would often lament to me, and though i sympathised, i couldn't help but be amused and poke fun at her...That was until he started on me.
Yeah, so blogging about it is the way i retain my sanity. Please. Enjoy

Monday, 4 August 2008

He loves me, He loves me not. He loves me, he loves me....

....NOT! Euuwww!!!

30th May 2008 0:03
Greeting in Jesus name
undacovasista please I need you to
be my wife it is time to get marry to you

10th June 2008 22:56
Undacovasista I love you with all my
heart and i want you to be
my wife I intend to come to (insert church name) before
the month run end and I will
invite for a date in Jesus
name by (insert name)

11th June 2008 23:28
Thinking of you with all my
love (insert name)

6th July 2008 20:55
Undacovasista please I love you and
I cant afford to marry any
body except you in
Jesus name pls i want to talk
to you it is very urgent

6th July 2008 20:58
I love you and I need you
now before it is too late in
Jesus name

8th July 2008 9:30
You cut off your phone
yesterday that is uncall for
very ride clus e ofyou to
have done that to me

8th Jul 2008 12:30
Undacovasista I want you to be my
fiancee from now on in Jesus
nam take it or leave it

10th July 2008 1:06
I love you by (insert name)