Friday, 2 May 2008

Yet Another Question Is...


I have another question. It’s a bit of a sensitive (is that the word? It is in a way that will soon become clearer, I guess. Lol!) area.

To set the scene...I have 2 nieces and nephews – 2 nieces and 1 nephew from Sister 1, and 1 nephew from Sister 2. So far so good, abi? Right, so nephew number 2 lives with my mum (looong story) and he is literally days away from his 9th birthday.

We were at a family function last weekend, when from across the room, I noticed my Mum and Sister 1 having what appeared to be a heated-ish discussion. I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do anything more than mentally note it. Subsequently during the afternoon, Sister 1 steps out into the garden with the children. I eventually follow. She doesn’t look too pleased so I ask her what’s up.

She explains that my mum had asked her to have a conversation about the birds and the bees with Nephew 2. I was like, okayyyyy. So? She was like, she didn’t want to do it. I was like, why? She was like (yes I know there are lots of ‘likes’ in this story. Bear with me) she just didn’t. I was like, what brought up the issue anyway? Had he been asking questions? She said, no my mum had walked in on him that morning, ‘playing with himself’. Ahhhh, I nodded. I seeeee. Basically, she didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

My mum later brought up the topic with me and I asked her why she couldn’t do it herself. She replied shortly ‘mi o t’omo okunrin ri’, which translates ‘I’ve never brought up a boy before’. Never a truer word spoken. I come from a family of women. The arrival of my two nephews was greeted with much rejoicing....But back to my earlier convo with Sis.

In the process of explaining why she didn’t want to have the conversation, she had mentioned that in her opinion it was a bit early for Nephew 2 to be doing ‘that’. This immediately caused my hackles to rise, as my immediate question was – early, compared to whom or what exactly? I don’t agree with such comparisons at all, because everyone is an individual. What may be the norm for one is not necessarily going to be the norm for another. Of course there are indicators for certain things, but as I’ve said, I do not like comparison. It really annoys me.

So I asked her if she’d had the conversation with Nephew 1 (her son aged 11). She was like, no because he doesn’t do that. I was like, er how do you know? She was like she just did. I was like, no, not good enough. It’s not exactly the kind of thing he would broadcast as in ‘hey mum, guess what I’ve just done…’. She insisted that he was like an open book and her relationship with him was such she would know (maybe by telepathy? Or perhaps Jedi mind trick. Ok, I’ll lay off the sarcasm!..).

So, my questions, just because it’s been on my mind and I have no frame of reference, are:

1. Is 8 going on 9 ‘too early’ to …You Know What?
2. And this one is probably for the men folk…and specifically those who are willing to admit that they ‘indulged’…would you ever in your wildest dreams have considered sharing that kind of information with your mother, no matter how close to her you were?

PS
See here for answers to the movie quotes quiz. Well done to those who took part. Please rate yourselves :)

27 comments:

30+ said...

Same with your mum, I have never brought up a boy. Worse still I am not a boy myself :)

Oh yes and on the movie thing, I girraffed Atutu...since he is generous like that.

30+ said...

And Ayam 1st and Now 2nd

guerreiranigeriana said...

...haha...the beloved sex talk...birds and the bees...are we to assume that father to this particular nephew is non-existent/not around?...does other sis (with 2 daughters) have a man that can deliver the talk?...i don't know that it is even necessary to have the talk with him now...depends...we don't know how he came to start masturbating...at any rate, in response to your questions:

1. ...8 or 9 is not too early...there has been research that shows that infants will play with themselves for pleasure...i can't think of any to point you to for reference, unfortunately...i remember seeing my male baby(about a year-old) cousin not really masturbating but definitley deriving pleasure from playing with his penis...

2. ...my brothers didn't tell my mom and sure didn't tell any of us...i've never seen them either...

...good luck...i hope someone talks to him, for his sake and safety...you could also always show them unnaked post about its benefits for health;)...

UndaCovaSista said...

@30+ Lol! that's fair enough...

@guerreira - You're right the father (sperm contributor) is not on the scene, and sis 1's hubbby could i guess, but i dont think that would work either. Don't ask! thanks for your answers. V helpful they were. I really didnt want to belabour the point with my sister on the probability of nephew 1 disclosing sth like that...

Basically, the way things stand at the moment is that i intervened and persuaded Mum, that in her role as primary care giver it was her responsibility to have the 'talk' with him. I also did some research on the net on her behalf, and she is now fully armed with all the info she needs...

Jaycee said...

Wow...

At that age I guess they need the direction of a father (or father figure). No wonder they say a "good" father is the role model for his son. Someone needs to talk to him about this...

I don't have any experience in this, but I'm thinking a "close" male figure might be the best person to talk to him...rather than his mum or grandmum!

UndaCovaSista said...

@jaycee - yes that would be the ideal, but in the absence of such (see my response to guerreira's comment) it still has to be done...

soupasexy said...

i think 8 to 9 might be a lil too young to be playing with hmself...but children of today they mature so fast, they know things adult dont even know.

Naapali said...

Have to think about this one. Will be back.

pink gloves said...

this should come from a male relative or something. I think it will be more comfortable for the boy in question. cause the older man can slap him on the back etc when they have "the talk"

UndaCovaSista said...

@soupasexy - that's why i asked the question too early compared to what? To how things have been in the past? To what things are like today...one could go on and on...

@naapali - i eagerly await your return and your input..

@pinkgloves - thanks. yes it would be, but see my resposes above to guerreira and Jaycee...

Writefreak said...

Am i too naive? I found it hard understanding the birds and the bees..lol..8 or 9 is young but not too young for sex education...either by the mum or dad who unfortunately happens to be absent..
Your sister 1 needs to talk to her son bout such things and not assume he'll just talk but hey she's the mother and knows how close they are

Afrobabe said...

me thinks we are born with masturbation cos I have seen month old babie try to pull the tiny thing towards their mouth, doing accrobats you never knew they could do...seen tiny female babie play down there smiling, but because they are so tiny we smile and think they dont know what they are doing...

8 to 9 is not too young especially in the uk where information is all around them...

8 to 9 yr olds are forming gangs....so guess its not too young.

Free-flowing Florida said...

hmm. i really don't think 8 going to 9 is too young. am own nephew, dat boy tire eye o, fit dey do dat kain thing & he's only 5.

if i were a boy, why on earth would i wanna tell my mom abt it 4??? i mean, daz y i have cousins, neighbours, friends, chums etc 4. adults r off-limits.

Free-flowing Florida said...

& u've been tagged

LG said...

lol@afrobabe- dis girl u don kolo!!!!

i ll say, any person(preferably male) he looks up to, shld talk to him abt it

Ekoakete said...

Poor chap! He'll be embarrassed to death hehehe. The message will go down much better if it comes from a male relative but based on your responses I guess grandma has to do it. Daymn! Poor chap hehehe

Naapali said...

Now I am back after reading well and trying to reflect.

The conversation about birds and bees has nothing to do with your nephews getting to know themselves (biblically and biologically). The truth is that this has nothing to do with sexual attraction or female sexual attraction (save if he was doing this whilst surfing youporn or similar). They are hitting puberty and beginning to notice changes in their bodies and one of those changes is penile growth and more frequent erections. There is nothing to talk about here.

The birds and the bees conversation is a different topic but is one that should not be one conversation but dialog over years on sexuality, attraction, peer pressure, contraception, abstinence etc.

Regarding your final question, as far as my mother is concerned Beloved and I are virgins. We have the girls thanks to immaculate conceptions.

Naapali said...

Not to belabor the point but the overwhelming female response here about someone talking to him will cause more harm than good. He will be embarrassed to death as Eko has pointed out, will take more care to make sure he is not spotted and will get better at hiding things from y'all.

Considering the spectrum of things a young boy could get up to wanking (to use a technical term) is on the milder side of things. Engage him in conversations about growing up, attraction, friendships, responsibility, peer pressure etc but leave his mojo out of it.

UndaCovaSista said...

@writefreak - thanks for contributing to this simple yet complicated matter..

@afrobabe - lmao! Crazy girl! Pulling it towards their mouths ke? Lmao...!

@Florida - Why indeed?! I agree totally. Will do my best to respond to your tag...

@Lg - How do you solve a problem like afrobabe?!

@Ekoakete - I know! And i empathise deeply! As if today's 9 year old dont have enough to deal with already *sigh*

@Naapali - Welcome. So maybe i have used the 'birds and the bees' as a catch-all. i agree that the 'facts of life' and (to borrow your term)wanking are 2 different sides of the same coin - IMO.

Not sure i agree that there's nothing to talk about tho', as since my mum walked in on him doing it, wouldnt it become like the elephant in the room?

Anyway, as an update, the talk has been had. I did not pry into what was said exactly, but apparently, no questions were asked and therefore the matter has been laid to rest- for now.

Uzezi said...

that age is no problem ke. girls start early to explore themselves. it doesn't mean he is going out to get a girl knocked up. but he needs someone to explain these things to him.

UndaCovaSista said...

@uzezi - 'someone' being the operative word. The talk has been had...

Smaragd said...

well, since the talk's been had, there's no point saying anything further.

But someone, maybe u UC, should cultivate a close enuf relationship with ur nephew, such that he can tell that person almost anything.

I say this from experience, having only brothers and male cousins, a good number of them younger.

i hope it works

UndaCovaSista said...

@smaragd - we are close actually, but it looks like i'm going to have to broaden the scope of the relationship to include such matters going forwards. Thanks

J Adamthwaite said...

People are funny with this kind of thing. Of course, I can't talk really (I don't have kids); I'm sure it's a pretty hard subject to discuss with your children.

Some people at work were recently reminiscing about the outrage they felt when their kids were given 'the talk' by a visiting expert at the school, who apparently told the girls to put a mirror between their legs and 'investigate' themselves. Seems pretty harmless to me (sensible even), but I didn't say so!

bumight said...

by 8 going on 9, I was in JSS1 and was already getting noticed by boys. nowadays, children are starting to develop faster and would start getting info about stuff earlier.
I think it depends on how she talks to him, I dont think 9 is too early.

rethots said...

...a difficult one this is.

UndaCovaSista said...

@J - Lol! If you had, you know they'd have all turned around and demanded to know what you could possibly know about it since you havent got kids...

@bumight - Yep. I agree. I dont think its too early either.

You were in JSS1 at the age of 8 going on 9?! Are you some kind of genius? :)

@rethots - It certainly is